I Was Thinking…

Have you observed the process of birth of your fears?

As I observed mine I noticed the notion of the mind to conclude the unknown. The mind doesn’t seem to like the continuity of the unknown, it wants to grasp, end of the story. If it can’t it will create the imaginary scenarios and believe in it, so now unknown is dissolved and imaginary known took place. But, why does it conclude in the image that brings fear vs hope so often? May be because if it draws the image to hope for it must match the expectations and not be disappointed in the future - it’s the unknown again. If it projects the worst possible outcome now (and fear it) it at least doesn’t give the continuity to unknown again. Hm… still reflecting on it…
Have you ever done a thorough observation of the process of arising fear? Have you done mental surgery of your own brain? Share your findings then

Mind is inconsistent. Trusting it is like trusting in a loyalty of a cat. Stop feeding him but keep all doors open, then see what will happen. So, act despite it, following your heart - that’s the art of Love. And the science - developing a working apparatus to listen the heart’s most subtle notions, eliminating the noise… Some would dedicate their lives to the R&D for this “project”, some give up on the whole thing, as honesty with ourselves and mindfulness might seem like too much work…

And where do YOU stand with it today, my friend?

It’s about time you to burn all your self-improvement books and yes, trash your computer, since now you are reading this post. (Kids, don’t try it at home!).

All self-development mambo jumbo is useless for weak minds that didn’t learn to discover things on their own. Well, of course I am not talking about your mind, your strong and highly developed intellect.

See, the trick is, all books made you believe that codependency between people is and evil combination of needs and emotions, that in relationships (whether it’s romance or otherwise) you must avoid codependency at all costs.

But have you ever think it through? If you did, you would release what kind of nonsense it is, and that writers who claim such thing out of their own ignorance should be stoned, as they conduct a criminal act abusive your sensitive nature (Again, kids, don’t try it at home!)

Are there any relationships in the universe that are not codependent?

Any at all?

If you say that you relationships with your children or parents are based not on codependency but on unconditional love (a common self-serving delusion), you are the biggest liar of all. There is no such thing as parental unconditional love, despite the fact that you really would love to believe that yours is. You child is an extension of your ego. You live your live through his/hers achievements and public approval. You are fed by your child’ love (the same way you would get showered in a love of a puppy), and can easily withdraw it if child refuses your manipulations and acts of control. Allow yourself to be honest with yourself, at least once in a lifetime, before arguing this idea…

What about relationships with ANY of your lovers? Have you EVER encountered any relationships that are not codependent?

Really? So, you don’t depend on your partner for sex? For affection? For receiving love from him / her – love in all possible forms, even in forms of arguments? Yes, a good argument is just another method of squeezing some love out of your partner, didn’t you notice? You argue and get all attention; you stimulate all your partner’s senses, so now he cannot be neutral to you, or forget you for a moment. And hey, making up after a good argument is just such a sweet affair. Isn’t it? So, don’t give me the crap about anger that is not a form of receiving love. Speaking of which… Experientially I’ve discovered that anger does not exist as an independent emotion. Anger is always a sup-product of fear, it is a convenient cover up of fear. It’s more masculine and “cooler” to be angry, it’s vulnerable (perceived as weak) and less “cool” to realize that what you really feel deep down is a fear. A scared child tries to act out as an angry adult. So, when angry, resistant, agitated look within and try to see, with complete honesty and transparency, what is it you are really covering up for. What are you afraid of to feel so badly that you would rather fee anger than that other feeling? It’s easier to bark on family member or your loved one than say “I am afraid, hold me”. Well, maybe you should try.

What does it mean in the context of this conversation? Well, it means that you use your partner to protect you from your own fears, your own insecurities.

Isn’t there codependence between a bee and a flower?

Isn’t there a codependence between a tree and a sun?

So, I am asking you again, are there any relationships in the universe that are not codependent?

Any at all?

If you look veeery deeply into things, you discover interdependence in everything.

So, how the fuck on the earth can one open his mouth and say “You must avoid codependent romantic (or any other) relationships at any cost. You must be strong, self-reliant and free!”. Free my ass, be so kind.

You, a silly fucker that refuses to think for yourself  :-) , you are already free. You’ve always been. But being free from codependency is an equal nonsense as being free form breath, from water, from food.

All this macho pretendance, what a nonsense!

The problem that goes with that is not the problem of simple misunderstanding. This misunderstanding leads to your own misery and suffering that you cause to others.

You fight what cannot be fought. You waste all your energy on accomplishing what cannot be accomplished. You strategize your escapes from dependency, you plan and execute all your wicked withdrawals, you demonstrate your ridiculous acts of independency to gain that other inch of space between you and the perceived threat to your freedom (yes, your loved one) - instead of saving this energy to simply allow love to be shared – with transparency, vulnerability - instead of being intensely present. You keep forgetting – tomorrow one of you might not be here, and all your strategies and maneuvers – what a waste! What a waste of a lifetime, a waste of the greatest gift – celebration of human experience in unity of forms.

What can I say, you need a pill. Or a shrink. Or me

Seen a film “Kamasutra a tale of love?”. Well, this post has nothing to do with it. lol

So, hold your horses… This reflection has nothing to do with kamasutra, but everything to do with a tale of lie… a tale about lie…

As I was taking a bath this evening, listening music and watching my thoughts passing by, here is the reflection that I’ve witnessed…

Those who know me, at least to a certain degree, may notice that lately I pay a lot of attention to tearing apart all my beliefs, and with that all social constructs that we adopt as we “grow” (or shall I say degrade?)

So, I thought… what beliefs are still left which seem to be true for me? The thought came – honesty. The belief sounds like this “Integrity is honesty. We MUST say the truth all the time, be strong to be true to our word”…

This is one of very few beliefs that still seem to be true.

So, let’s look closer at it to find out how much truth is in it, really.

So, the stream of consciousness goes like this:

When a child is born he knows nothing of truth and lie. He expresses himself, it’s all he knows. The concept of truth and lie is introduced later by environment with forced forms of behavior. For instincts to survive a child invented lies, and then learned that it’s “not good to lie”.

Now to “survive” (or “save” the situation, or “save” an emotional well being of the other) we still drop a lie here and there, once in a while. But the guilt is always accompanies the action. Because we have been conditioned by the society “it’s not good to lie”.

I remember during my trip in Nepal this spring, I saw a beautiful chameleon sitting nearby, starring at me. He was as green as the grass… Until he moved flower to a flower, and he turned orange. Why? Survival instrument.

So, why don’t we tell a chameleon that “it’s not really good to lie” and change colors adopting to ever changing environment?

Yet, we feel that we shall impose it on each other.

So, why did we (society) create this belief system? May be because we are afraid? Afraid of non-regulatory actions? Afraid that if we don’t convince the other that lie is a “terrible thing” than we never can feel safe, as we never know whether to trust the other’s word or not, and we don’t know how to live in unknown – we need a safe ground…

So, then, the tale about lie is not actually about the truth, but simply about our own sense of safety? But what does it have to do wioth “morale” then?

The question whether I promote honesty or not is not the subject of attention here. The goal of this reflection is to look in this belief and see it for what it is – an artificial weapon of protection that society invented and then forced everybody to carry it; and then if rules are not followed, we expect to feel guilty, and majority do feel exactly that – feel guilt and shame about their attempts to “survive”.

With lie violence might not come, but with guilt it surely does – as a backlash… We guilty, therefore we must defend ourselves.

Weather to say the truth or not by the nature of action is a choice, but not forced by “morale” or “ethics” imposed by the crowd, isn’t it?

Then the foundation of this choice is only the level of personal strengths and freedom, not fear of disapproval or social imperfection…

People, people, how far from the nature we felt away… We know nothing of truth, yet we are trying to promote it in loud and with “conviction”.

What a pity…

The most dangerous disease on the planet is not one of those well known ones from which many industries keep profiting for decades (HIV, cancer, etc.). They kill only… millions. Comparing to 7 billion – are you fucking kidding me? We can do better - invent a better disease. So we did. Then we invented Prozac to cure post-effects.

The fundamental danger is in the disease about which noone has a slightest clue, in which hardly anybody will believe even if I spit it in your face… The disease created by unconscious humans, supported by unconscious humans, carried in a mental DNA of every man that lives asleep, without questioning the very fundamental on which human interactions are based, on which human happiness and LIFE depends. The name of the disease is BELIEVE that the world always has been, always will be, and obviously (?!!!) always should be RECIPROCAL.

You have no clue what I am talking about, do you?

I mean, of course you say, how else? It’s only fair. I am giving you a cookie, and then you better give me a cookie back, or better a few.

Ok, I hear you.

I hear you, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are a stupid ass.

You created the world that is doomed! You created the world of suffering! You spread this miserable idea and contaminated the minds of 7 billion people that with their each action EXPECT reciprocation.

What does it mean for you and social puppets like yourself?

It means, what you already know – expectations become failed expectations, undelivered [unsaid] promises.

You create millions of closed loops that break, and you don’t even question it.

RECIPROCAL WORLD became your default behavioral map, which you can never follow “successfully”, remaining peaceful and happy.

• You love me – I fucking hate your guts >> You suffer.
• You hate my guts – I love you and expect the same from you, I demand love BACK >> You suffer.
• You want me – I have no interest in reciprocating by getting in your pants. >> You suffer.
• You are hitched and semi-committed (well, I will tell you commitment tale later, don’t even get me start there)… so you are taken, but you want me (as every other woman, let’s face it) but you want to be “moral” and don’t want to get cozy with me, you EXPECT “respect” of boundaries. - Oh, I saw your boundaries going down the toilet, I just want to get you naked and I EXPECT you to respond with the same, until then I will do my best to get what I want. >> Both you and your wife suffer.
• You buy me a diamond jewelry for my birthday – I buy you a shit on the stick > You suffer.
• You did me a favor [to feel like a hero, let’s face it] > I forgot (never meant) to kiss your ass, melting in “thank yous” > You suffer.
• You donate a million to a charity – they misspell you “honorable” name > You suffer.

… And the scenarios go on and on… You days are full of case study of a miserable man that EXPECTS the world to give him what he is willing to give, or better a few folds of that.

Now… if every day of all your miserable life you claim that all you want is peace and happiness, yet if the reciprocal world is a default to which you has subscribed, and that has been undisputable by you for the last few decades, then let me ask you an obvious question… When you look in the mirror, which part of you do you call intelligent, you, moron!?

And why do I call you a moron? Because I can. And because I should… someone should.

You are a part of the society that is designed FOR violence, not for peace; for hate, not for love.

You created it. You ARE it.

Now if you see the nonsense of your choice, choose the opposite.

How? Simple. Drop all ideas that you have learned from those who wear their brains on their tails.

One of my best friends, one that loves me dearly (and I reciprocate by choice in this case, and treasure him full heartedly), said once: “Olga f-n Kostrova, you are a complete sociopath… And that’s why I love you so much”.

That was the best complement one could ever “pay” me (Pay a compliment? for what? Do you see, even the language is built on screwed up ideas).

So, I am a peaceful “sociopath”. Why don’t you join me on this journey?

And one of my sociopathic views relies on destroying all ideas about (and expectations of) reciprocal behavior. I believe that if we unlearn and stop expecting, the violence will dissolve.

• I love you… I do it from all my heart. IT SERVES ME. You love Joe? Wonderful.
• I gave a million to a charity. They don’t have to publicize to the world that I have the longest dick in the village (the villagers either already know it lol or I just did a favor to myself and got an immediate gratification from feeling like one very generous dick).
• I bought you a gift. I did it to make you happy and feeling happy. You forgot about my birthday? And that’s ok. You will gift attention to someone else, another time and make another human being happy.

Pay forward, don’t just reciprocate, unless you choose to, but don’t expect the same.

Just live forward, give forward, love forward.

Just imagine…

Imagine 7 billion people on this planet do the good for the sake of the good itself. They give to give, not to get; they love to love, not to get love back.

Just imagine how much love the world will then have if the heart stops fearing not to be loved back, if the lips stop being afraid not to be smiled back and kissed back.

You can do that. Even if only you and me…

Oh baby, my love can burn that castle of lie, so does yours.

Just live forward, give forward, love forward.

I love you… already… and you don’t even know about my existence… and that’s OK!

So, I am back.

Back to the Bay Area, back to busy life of Silicon Valley, back to “western” thinking with its judgments, evaluations, over-analyzing, segmentation and fragmentation

My friends keep asking me 1) what made me cut the trip short (I planned to travel at least for 6 months, but cut travel across Nepal to a month, and skipped India, Tibet and Bhutan this time) and 2) what I have learned from my pilgrimage.

Well, I will skip the first question for now and share a few brief points for the latest. I will try to update it later when I have more time in my hands for reflection.

So, WHAT HAVE I LEARNED FROM MY PILGRIMAGE?

Ok, that’s the part where I will bore you, so get all set for that.

Well, it’s not really lessons that can be easily articulated; it’s rather some sense of “knowing” that got deeper roots. Unfortunately this knowing cannot be easily explained, nor understood by readers, as knowing is not the knowledge; it can only be comprehended by the knower himself, subjectively.

First of all, there is some deeper grounding took place, feeling that you are carried through life on a gentle feather, yet there is always some strong sense of protection. I am not talking about some superpower protecting you (or “God” as many like to refer to it), but the life itself that is manifested through all of us, through all living forms.

I feel stronger than ever that seeing ourselves as centers is a big mistake, inevitably leading to misery, violence. (I feel this statement will be misunderstood right here, so let me try to explain.)

In this context a “Center” is not a pointer to self-centering / egocentrism, no. It’s the point from which the world is perceived.

Billions of people on this planet perceive the world from “I” and “mine”, identifying “I” with everything that is contained in the body, centering the point of perception in their mind, geographically locating it in the top of the body (brain).

Unless experienced otherwise, it’s hard to imagine that the center (center of perception), actually, might not be there. It can be everywhere and nowhere at the same time, and it is not contradiction, both simply have the same meaning.

It cannot be comprehended intellectually, as many other important realizations. It can only be experienced, “seeing” that becomes undisputable knowing.

When the center of perception shifts (even if not permanently, but with repetitive glimpses), there is no self-centered activities and motion in that moment, no “your own” goals, desires, ambitions, pain, suffering, gain. None of that feels like “yours”. It’s almost as it all is some collective manifestation. You see life as it is, without fragmentation.

Then there is no white or black, right or wrong, useful and useless, you and me. There is no “I” that divides. There is no “perceiver”, there no “perceived”.

Every event is like a one long breath.

If you experienced it at least once, you understand.

If not, it will make very little sense to you. And that’s ok

So, that knowing was not new for me, but in this trip somehow this shift of “center” deepened, which lead to higher level of compassion to everything “perceived”, including “myself” (as one of the perceived identities in which there is very little from the real – just many perceived qualities combined, many perceived visual elements of identity etc).

Where it all leads?

We will have to see.

But what I can say for sure is that life became more and more fun, much lighter, with very little struggle or suffering, with each event as insignificant and significant at the same time, as it can be. Nothing is serious and all is serious at the same time. Nothing matters at all, and all matters. There is no givers or receivers. There are no sins and no virtue. Nobody gains or losses anything. Nobody succeeds or fails..There is nobody to succeed, fail, loose or gain in the first place.

There are no contradictions, no divisions, everything is just another side of something else.

I remember myself many time passing slum territories of Kathmandu along the bank of Bagmati river that became the biggest city sewage. You hardly can walk there even with the mask, as the smell is so strong that gets into your every cell… yet you see children swimming in it… and the heart gets misplaced.

And I remember something happening inside of me, the strongest feeling of love and beauty I probably ever had. It felt… Hm, I am having a hard time putting it in words. Tears covered my face, but it wasn’t a tear of pity or compassion or pain, it was a totally opposite, a sense of indescribably bliss, joy, experience of an ultimate beauty.

And that’s not something that can be of the mind. It’s something beyond. It’s a love that a mother has to her own child, experiencing a beauty of her own creation…

You are probably puzzled reading this… Well, it’s good for you

During this last month I felt stronger than ever that we live in an absolutely imagined world, imagined by a perceiver, the world that we call “reality” yet it has nothing to do with it. It’s the world of symbols, metaphors, tails that we take for an absolute, while it’s only a subjective interpretation of the reality by the perceiver, not reality itself… Like all RELIGIONS, like all LEADERSHIP SPEACHES, POLITICAL PITCHES, all MEDIA NOTES, all your DAY & NIGHT DREAMS – similar to that your/mine world is just a story, and the way of freedom is the realization of the absurdity to perceive any of them as the truth vs taking them for what is it, subjective interpretation of the truth to which you subscribe involuntarily (as a result of propaganda, conditioning and absence of mindfulness) or voluntarily in order to believe “at least in something” and belong “at least to something”.

The next step is understanding that actually FREEDOM IS BEYOND. BELIEVING AND BELONGING IS NOT NECESSARY. SUBSCRIBING TO ANY IDEA IS NOT NECESSARY. HAVING ANY POINT OF VIEW IS NOT NECESSARY.

When the center of perception shifts and expands way beyond your own mind, when the “perception” comes from all manifested forms simultaneously; all division ceases and the story becomes so vivid. You can’t help yourself but start laughing.

It happened to me many times in the last few years, and happened many more times during my trip.

This great laugh just bursts out of your belly in the most unexpected [by others] moments, during very “serious” events or speeches.

I mean, boy, I wish you only could see the absurdity of what you call the “reality” of your life. You would not be able to stop laughing, and we don’t even need to get stoned.

When this “seeing” happens, the intensity of love you experience is hard to describe. It’s an empty (from any naming, labeling or categorization) feeling, very expansive, warm…

Living in this state is like playing a video game, or watching a movie – you immerse in the action when you want it, turn it off when you done with it for a while. You identify with a hero, then with a new game you pick another character to play, then another – with one characteristic and course of actions, then another.

There is no good or bad guys, there is no heroes or villains. Today you play one, tomorrow another.

And all of us, everybody with no exception do the same. Only those who are unconscious cannot see that they are in the story (in the “matrix” if you need another identification and association ).

They identify themselves with all pleasure and pains… Love is self-centered then, so it’s not love. Pain is self-centered then, so there is no beauty of fullness in it, just some convulsions of the body that lead to self-destruction and violence.

When life happens (and I avoid saying “we live” here), where nothing is “mine” or “yours”, this life can manifest itself in all possible ways, all of which are equally magnificent. The wealth and poverty, peace and war, all religious and political disputes – all that need no praise, no condemnation, therefore no cure. Yet the cure is happening on its own when seeing and treated with love, undivided.

Until acts of peace happen out of ignorance, as act “against” war and violence, until philanthropy and charity are acts in the pursuit of virtue, your world is doomed, sirs.

Until all acts are acts of undivided love, your world is a mess, you are a mess, you actions of “greatness” are just your ego strokes, just mental masturbation in the hope that here will come a relief… relief from your misery… caused by your own delusions…

The world of opposites… Can we love all of it?

If love is nothing more than deeply rooted in truth, beyond intellectual understanding of things, can we LOVE life as it is and transform it out of love and for no other reason?

That’s my question to you, gentlemen. But don’t “think” the answer. Find the knowing within, beyond your thinking faculty.

But find it. And find it now.

Meanwhile… I love you. Immensely.

Share the silence with me, and you will KNOW it.

So, let me tell you.

Only husler can spot a hussler.

Only husler can stop a hussler.

When I was coming to Nepal, my good friend warned me about high probability of getting mugged.

Locals suggested that that’s a myth.

Well, let’s see.

When you are in Kathmandu (or probably in major cities of any other developing country), the frequency with which someone will try to “borrow” your bag, or cut it to “borrow” the wallet, depends on many factors.

What you wear, if you are alone or with the group, gender, age, color of the skin and hair, so on.

For me, anyone with a desire to mug a person, looking at me will make “check, “check”, “check” (blond, semi-young, travelling alone, wears western cloth, carries a bag that looks like it might have something valuable in it, so on…).

I’ve heard that the iPod doubles probability of you been a target. Well, so I wear one, can’t help it. Mike Olfield’s albums just made the whole experience of Kathmandu truly psychedelic, what can I say. So, Steve Job, I can tell you, Sir, you did many great things, on top of it you put in my hands a super attractor for criminals.

Ok, so… here are my stats.

Any time I went for a walk in Kathmandu (and that’s considering that I wear simple jeans and t-shirt WITH the sleeves (ya, hate it in that heat)… so considering all that I have been followed by muggers at least once per 2 hours in a regular day, and 1-2 per hour in the day when there is a strike.

So, dear striking nation of Nepal, even thou you demands might not be heard, and that’s all because I doubt anybody know what was really demanded, (at least dozens people I’ve asked had no clue, but the strikes went on with impressive regularity)… so you guys with all the strikes you nailed at least one good thing for struggling portion of your population (obviously why would you mug others if you don’t suffer, right?). So, you during the strikes you get all the tourists on the road, and I mean on their two feet, as no busses and no taxis go anywhere in the day when there is a strike… And you just put food right on muggers’ table. Nicely done! True care about the community!

But what about us, world travelers, what are we left with?

Well, I will tell you what, stolen wallets, passports, bags… Ok, sounds like 50/50 win for everybody. No? That’s what I thought too.

Ok, so are my observations.

If you wear your eyes on the sleeves then you easily can see who is after your bag. They usually follow you on the street, and when you see them the game begins.

I slow down – he slows down. I stop “to fix my shoe”, he stops “to make a call”.

I speed up, he follows closely. I stop “to find something in the bag”, he stops “to check retail window”… and so on.

Well, it is fun until it’s no more.

The first phrase I’ve learned in Nepalese language was “Don’t even think about it”.

Doubt that I’ve nailed it right - not sure if the translation was correct, as only 50% of muggers would leave me alone after I approach them after this cat and mouse hunt, and waive my finger in front of his nose whispering “Don’t even think about it”.

And at some point this game becomes really annoying, especially when the sun goes down and you walk semi-deserted streets.

Then I thought about my big knife that I brought with me.

I remember asking my friend if the knife can be a solution against any crime attempts. He said “If you carry it, be ready to stub and be stubbed”.

I thought about both and put a very big fishing knife in my bag, making sure that the handle is visible.

Since then any time someone was following me, I would come to him very closely, point to the knife, then to that precious spot between his legs, and made a gesture that clearly deliver the message about how this knife can be used if I he makes a move on me.

After careful consideration, all muggers came from the same conclusion – the treasure in their pants is much more important than the treasure potentially promised by my bag, and their balls just might be more valuable.

There are different categories of muggers that I would define accordingly to their behaviors.

- Lonely old wolfs – these guys can be dangerous if really hungry, and usually pretty angry at the world. Close contact better be avoided in an empty street.

- Amateurs. These guys are funny. They have no clue how to mask their interest in your belongings. They are so transparent that I have nothing but compassion to them. I bought a sandwich for one, he was just such a pity scene. Followed me 8 blocks crossing the street when I did, with lame “excuses” for it and obvious eye contacts.

- Helpers. These guys are really pain in the butt. They usually appear from nowhere when you are asking someone for the direction. They start explaining to you how to get there, looking very friendly and ready to assist. Then they go way ahead of you, as they now know where you are going. They will check on you once in a while “dropping something”, stopping to pick it up, see if you still follow. Then they will hide somewhere around the corner and start following you. The worst is that when you see them, they pretend that they are so happy to see you again and even can start a conversation, walking next to you, till it’s time to get a hold to your bag. Well, in these case very long “phone conversations” used to save me, even when the battery of my cell was down. Muggers don’t really seem to like to hunt when you are on the cell, as you might report right away who/when/how, I guess – too risky…

In any case, travelling alone in Nepal I wasn’t neither robes, no raped or beaten, despite all the warnings of the embassy and [mainly] Indian friends.

Therefore, I can consider my first trip to South Asia pretty successful.

The only little accident happened in the airport, as I’ve forgotten to put this knife (and couple of others that I’ve bought as souvenirs) in checked bag, instead put it by mistake in carry on bag. Security guys in Nepal missed that out, but ones in Korea were really puzzled when I refused to leave them out. Well, they were kind enough to pack it all in a little box and check it in for me.

So, overall the exploration of Nepal was quite interesting adventure, and you can find my complete report (including photos) on Facebook:

Add me if you haven’t done so yet and share your updates so I am in the loop of what’s happening in your world.

Any statement about morale and ethics is false, as it’s relative to the one in whose hands it is.

Absolute morale doesn’t exist.

“Evil” doesn’t exist.

“Sins” don’t exist.

All are the concepts of the fragmented mind that lives of the sense of separation and dissolves with sense of unity, so Ego must fight for its own existence in the minds of immature holders.

The life is the dance between creation and destruction - there is no more to it.

Creation comes as a result of inspiration, destruction as a result of necessity.

Recognizing both is vital. Distinguishing one from another is critical.

All violence comes from not seen the difference.

I remember myself going through the notions about one particular topic – a reason for the pain, why?

Notion 1 (my teen age). It’s not fair.

Notion 2 (my age of atheism). It’s random.

Notion 3 (my age of search for the God). It’s karma, punishment for mistakes

Notion 4 (my age of intellectualization). It’s just for a lesson to be learned through painful events.

The last notion stayed with me for a while as it seemed there is nowhere else to go with it. Until I relished one day – it cannot be truth. There is nothing designed to serve the dream, only the oneness that is outside of the dream. The behavior, personality, pleasure and suffering is a part of a make up of the dreamed world. No universal laws emerged to serve it.

So, the question just hanged in the air unanswered and it was ok, just have no answer, and the question itself somewhat dissolved.

Today during the meditation I observed the moments of dealing with discomfort that body finds itself with after long sitting in a particular posture, and slight pain associated with the process of getting up back on my feet (literally LOL). I was getting up very slowly, paying attention to sensation in each muscle.

And thought came…. The pain is here simply to slow us down and return us to the present moment. As all there is true is the present moment. Each moment… In a hunt for pleasure we skip moment by moment, without acknowledging it, without noticing its texture. But when pain paralyzes us, it holds us bounded with the present.

So, that’s my notion #5 (my now). Will have to see how long it stays with me… We change… Tx “god”!

Even those that mastered the life will be once in a while visited by fears. Fear will never dissolve completely, it’s impossible at its core.

Fears, sadness and other contracting expressions of ego will be always there as long as the ego is alive.
As we progress on our spiritual path we refer to ego as some strange entity that has to be dissolved. Once again, this task can never be accomplished during any lifetime. It is impossible not only on practice, but even theoretically.

The ego is the only proof of the human life; it is the only evidence that we live in the body.
If ego is dead the person is dead. I don’ necessarily mean that it drops dead and the heart stoops beating, but what defines life, what is expressed in human experience, will disappear.
So, the ego simply reminds us through fears and other contractions that we are alive.
It might sound philosophical and confusing, but it’s actually very simple.

“I am” is an ultimate state of existence, it is not life as we know it. It is not a human experience, it’s the ultimate life, but not a human life. Only when a personality is formed that can sense expressions of life, then we can say “I am alive”. We experience our aliveness through aliveness of the ego.
If ego is dropped completely, the personality is drooped completely and the vehicles that experiencing is destroyed. Then one can move what is called last stage of Samadhi, enlightenment. But then you as you know yourself is not alive anymore. There is no “you” anymore. No personality, no individuality that is alive. Therefore “you” as a person are dead. The ultimate Iamness is there, but it always has been… and always will be there… You appeared and will disappeared, Iamness is not affected by it.

Once I have found myself on the crossroad - to be alive or die. No, not suicide. Not at all. Well, figuratively speaking it also could be applicable. The choice was to remain in the state of Samadhi, an ultimate existence or re-experience my “self” in the body and complete this lifetime embodied. The choice was the life of a human. The ego would be the main defining element of such state of being. There is no alternative to it. None. All the talk about dissolving the ego is a pure nonsense. Impossible even in theory if one understands the basic concept of the ego, it’s nature and functions. Ego is here to preserve “your” life.It’s that simple. As far as you choose to live in this body, accept inevitable - there is no way of life without fears and occasional destructive emotions.

Accept it and learn to enjoy all expressions of life… Because you’ve chosen it at least once….

Unless you as a person are alive, there ego will be always there. All one can do is to master it, to develop ego-management skills.  Recognizing it for what it is is the first step in ego mastery.

Love and peace to you, passerby.

God is nothing but our subjective experience of God. Search for the God is to be ended. It’s not “there”, it’s not “here”, it’s neither within nor without…

When words “this” or “that” will stop make sense for you;

When you can sit still without a restlessness and expectation of the next moment to come;

When happiness is not to be sought anymore and suffering is not to be avoided no more;

When neither offence nor praise will stroke your ego;

When you can be equally content driving a Lamborghini or walking barefoot and penniless;   

When churches, cults and religious wars start look like a joke;

When you neither feel guilty nor indulge in a pleasure while finishing a chocolate bar;

When you ca enjoy every bite of your meal but take only as much as your body asks for to be nourished;

When making love to s stranger with full presence and open heart stops feel dangerous or immoral;

When neither feeling of being in love nor out of love consumes you;

When your mind will keep remaining still as you catch yourself making the biggest mistake of your life;

When your body stops demanding adrenaline but will be able to withstand any amount of it without you loosing balance;

When you will be attentive enough to hear birds singing and train passing moles away;

When you keep catching passersbys smiling at you for no particular reason;

When you realize that rare moments of remained struggling with content of the current moment is nothing but a habit;

When you are offered a fortune and managed to feel equally ok either you put it in your pocket or leave where it is;

When you can easily live out of a suitcase after residing for decades in a mention, and with the same ease can return to a mention with no sense of guilt or shame;

When you will notice that your memories are equal towards those that you’ve loved and those you’ve hated in times of delusion;

When you will see things with your eyes closed and know things without engaging intellect;

When you will hug a diseased man without worrying about your own health;

When in a basket of your desires none of them will conflict with each other;

When after falling with your face in dirt you get up with a smile on your face;

When neither debt nor billions will make you sleepless;

When neither physical nor emotional pain is neither sought nor rejected;

When killing and stealing stops feel like forbidden actions, but your mind doesn’t suggest acting on this allowance…

… then and only then you will “meet” and know God. And since this meeting your life will never be the same…as it stops being yours.

Less one talks about God and attempts to prove either existence or non-existence of God, more chances he has to experience God.

When more people arrive to true experience of God instead of faking God or no-God in their lives, only then conflicts manifested in various acts of violence will end, poverty will be reduced and human suffering will end.

Then the new era in evolution of humanity begins…